In my review for Kem’s latest album, I praised plenty but shunned the appearance of Ronald Isley.  Ronald Isley, for the few of you that don’t know him, is likely the reason you exist, depending on how old you are, but at 70 plus years old he himself is still making some questionable music, questionable in terms of how he sounds like a creepy old man trying to remain relevant in an ever-changing landscape.  No, Mr. Biggs does.  Forget the song for a second, let me explain why Ronald Isley pisses me off.

You have to have some MASSIVE balls to be a DUO and have the artist label on your album be “The Isley Brothers featuring Ronald Isley aka Mr. Biggs”.  THERE ARE ONLY TWO OF YOU!  What kind of jerk lists himself as a featured artist when the whole act is the Isley BROTHERS?  And no, do NOT pull that “Well Frankie Beverly and Maze do it!” mess.  In that case we’re talking about a group, Maze, featuring someone who was outside of Maze.  So all those names, as ridiculous as they may have been, were legit.  It was never “Frankie Beverly and Maze featuring Frankie Beverly”.  That’s some Clive Barker mess.

Back to the song.  “Contagious“.  I was raised on music, as my author profile says, so I knew about the Isley Brothers long before hearing this song, and hearing it has Ronald in prime form, but I couldn’t help but laugh at the subject matter, the inadvertent humor that would be revisited in “Busted” two years later in 2003.  There’s humor in Ronald Isley as Mr. Biggs being cheated on by a woman too young to appreciate that he exists.  In this regard I guess I just can’t comprehend the whole notion of Mr. Frank Biggs.  He’s an elderly man with a lot of money and criminal influence; I assume he deals drugs or engages in the standard vices a crime lord does: drugs, booze, whores, real estate, gambling, children’s television, etc.  He lives in a lavish house, drives a nice car (not rich enough to have people drive him though, I assume), beats people with sledgehammers, murders Jamie Foxx’s lovers, you know, the standard “bad guy” fare.

On the other side of this equation: R. Kelly, as R. Kelly, portraying R. Kelly as he does his R. Kelly things (i.e. stealing your woman and getting his hair braided).  In this case, R. Kelly is sneaking behind his former (technically current, Mr. Biggs never actually did fire him) employer to once again have sex with Mr. Biggs woman.  She’s materialistic, according to Mr. Biggs.  I say realistic.  What the hell is a woman under 50 doing with Mr. Biggs anyway unless she’s after the money a sugar daddy will spend on them?  In this case, it’s Chante Moore, and as Mr. Biggs comes home he doesn’t realize for a while that his woman and his STILL employee are having sex in his own bedroom.  He goes upstairs to find them between the sheets, in his home, and we still sing.  Chante tries to calm Biggs down, as does R. Kelly as R. Kelly doing his R. Kelly things, and wouldn’t you know it?  Mr. Biggs doesn’t even remember the man.

There is more inadvertent humor to Mr. Biggs being senile.  Threats ensue, then the goons squads appear, old men for Mr. Biggs, younger men for R. Kelly as R. Kelly doing his R. Kelly things.  Sorry, that was just the video, but to be fair it followed the actual song very well.  All with the unrealistic cry of someone screaming “contagious” in the midst of passion.  The song itself is actually solid, but there are so many ridiculous questions you’re left with.

Why the hell does Mr. Biggs stay getting with women that are only in it for the money?

Why does R. Kelly keep sleeping with Mr. Biggs’s women?

Why is Ernie Isley in the background every time with his guitar?

More importantly, if Ernie Isley is monitoring the security cameras like a creepy voyeur (or as Mr. Larry Biggs, the underpaid employee and brother to the ever oblivious Mr. Frank Biggs), why the hell didn’t he let Frank know what was going on?

Is Larry the real culprit here?!

All these questions and more are only compounded as the years go by.  It’s a good song, no doubt, but it’s crazy.  Everything about it is crazy, and no amount of soulful crooning can help that.