Hello, Christmas people.  This is the Infamous DiZ: great man, artist, bon vivant, world class connoisseur of the booty, musical genius, international sex symbol and aspiring eggnog aficionado.  This Christmas day you may be spending time with the family, or exchanging presents with your people, or maybe volunteering at a fine place where you can help those who may be less fortunate.  Good on you, whatever you’re doing.  When you get a chance to relax with some eggnog or holiday brew, you may want to recline to the soothing sounds of your favorite Christmas soundtrack.  Yes, A Charlie Brown Christmas is the perfect soundtrack for the season, whatever season that may be, but maybe, JUST MAYBE, you want something a little more PG-13 for your spiked eggnog and risqué  Christmas-themed pictures you have in your phone for your lover.  In this capacity, I am here for you.  You don’t need a lot of songs, just a few to break the monotony of what can seem like a pretty standard day.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy my words and songs.  It could make your Christmas a bit happier.

Or dirty.  Either way you’ll be entertained.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force – “I Sure Hope I Don’t Have to Beat Your Ass this Christmas”

This entire non-PC soundtrack could be in constant rotation in your home like A Christmas Story is on constant rotation on TBS and TNT.  You take the soothing sounds of Master Shake and his inventive take on the birth of Jesus and you instantly have a Christmas classic.  But out of the entire album, from the special appearance by Neko Case to the implied words of Bruce Springstein, the shining star comes from this heartfelt, eye-watering, soul stirring duet between Master Shake and Meatwad.  I don’t have the words: Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby WISH they could have created something this magical. 

Kanye West featuring a lot of people and the Duke of Ig’nance Cam’ron – “Christmas in Harlem”

You should know already that I love the supreme ignorance of one Cameron “Cam’ron” Giles.  You put Cam’ron on a Christmas song and you have sonic gold. 

Futurama Cast – “This Trinity’s Going to War”

John DiMaggio, Mark Hamill and Coolio on a track together?!  Nope.  Screw descriptions: this is just the greatest rap track ever.

Eazy-E – “Merry Muthaphukkin Christmas”

Snoop Dogg featuring a lot of folk – “Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto”

To be fair, even excluding the holiday theme, this song is smooth as hell.  Nate Dogg glides over this track, R.I.P.  Go ahead and do ya thing.

J. Cole – “Home for the Holidays”

Do yourself a favor: save this track for last or shortly before you want to go to bed.  Thank me later.

You know, I’m being a bit mean here.  This IS Friday Night Lights J. Cole.  That J. Cole is okay I suppose.

Fatlip & Tre Hardson featuring St. Imey (of the Wascals) – “All I Want for Christmas (Is Somebody Else)”

There’s an air of relative joy in all the previously mentioned tracks.  This goes in a COMPLETELY different direction, and it calls on three of the West Coast’s most unsung legends to do so.  Pharcyde fans will love this right off the back, I promise.  Those dealing with being single or recently broken up on this holidays will probably appreciate this a bit more.

Various Artists – Friday After Next soundtrack

This is a bit of a cop out but I’ll be honest: I look for ANY reason to watch Friday After Next.  I don’t care about Ice Cube or Mike Epps or Terry Crews, they can do what they want.  But there IS K.D. Aubert and it doesn’t matter the context: if the album makes you watch her then the album is doing something right.

Wait, I was supposed to say something about a song… meh, forget the songs: just watch K.D. Aubert’s parts in the movie.

Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake – “Dick in a Box”

There is no reason that this song should be as great as it is.  You go back in time and take on the style of a 90s duet ballad, take one of the funniest guys in recent memory and one of the most notable musical personalities in recent memory, put them together and give them a dirty concept and you have something special.  You have something that should not be as great as it is, and one might go so far as to say that it doesn’t deserve an Emmy.  Well it does.  And it was well won. 

Earl Okin – “My Room”

This isn’t a holiday song at all.  If anything it’s just a nice replacement for that J. Cole song.  It won’t put you to sleep, and it’s both sexy and humorous enough to meld well with the dirty tub eggnog.

That’s a little playlist for your less-than-pure Christmas.  Enjoy the day, good people, and if you’re dealing with a last minute gift?  Fellas.  They gave you step-by-step instruction.